Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Labrynthitis, The Invisible Illness

If you have heard of Labrynthitis, well done. If not, it is an infection of the inner ear that affects your balance. In my case, I get short to long bouts of unsteadiness and dizziness. I first had this infection back in June, during my GCSEs, it was not pleasant, trying to concentrate in a near silent room while my ears ached and the exam paper danced in front of me.

Now, I have it again, it started in my first week of college.

Since June I have not felt myself. My hearing has been very sensitive to the point where I can consciously adjust my hearing to loud or soft sounds. I haven't felt truly steady on my feet until recently, and then it all started up again.

Now I have real issues going into shops, classrooms etc, knowing that standing up for long periods of time will surely make the ground start bouncing beneath my feet and that my legs will feel weak and useless.

I've once again started dreading leaving the house and my 'safe place' and being out and vulnerable.

I've become fidgety and anxious....And I feel tired all the time due to my poor brain having to deal with my previously automatic sense of balance.
I feel detached from everything sometimes. I get headaches and feel like there's a weight on my forehead. The ground feels like a bouncy castle.

I feel mostly best laying down as I can tell my body that I am definitely in a stable, safe position. Even when I begin to wonder if I'm on a boat or if there is an earthquake.

Labrynthitis is an 'invisible' illness. I outwardly look the picture of perfect health...(Except when I'm hugging the floor, swearing and begging for the dizzy episode to end.). I'm quite sure that some of my tutors at college think I'm faking.

Most people have never heard of this infection. I've only come across two or three so far who have known what I'm talking about. Hell, even Firefox's spell checker doesn't recognise it.

I know that I need to remain positive and not let this take over my life but sometimes I feel like curling up and crying because damnit, this just isn't fucking fair.

I can foresee another trip to my GPs and I will beg them shamelessly to let me see a specialist who will do more than get me to 'follow my finger' and measure my blood pressure (which incidentally is quite low, which doesn't help).

I don't want the anti-nausea seizure pills. I very, very rarely get motion sick (Thank fuck) and I don't want to take something with that many side effects or that causes seizures, fatal loss of red blood cells, etc and is also used to treat anxiety disorders and schizophrenia.

Yes, maybe that is me being paranoid but for fuck's sake, I have enough to deal with without risking more shit.

tl;dr I want to be myself again, please. I want my life back. I'll quit smoking if this will just go away and never come back.
I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm just giving an explanation for future inactivity and I needed somewhere to rant to and maybe try to shed some light on this altering illness.

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